Dark Side of the Moon
by acalanto
Summary: Rachel is not dealing so well with the consequences of her choices as she think. Someone from her past comes to her rescue.
1. An unexpected visitor

Three first chapters reviewed by Scousedancer 

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Chapter 1

The weight of the memories, the blame she felt for the sheer number of dead, not to mention her feelings of helplessness, was oppressive. What hurt worse than all of it was the disappointment, the contempt in Tom Chandler's eyes when she'd admitted to killing Niels Sorensen.

Today, more than ever, the memories of her Mother's death seemed particularly vivid. It was her Mother's death that had fueled Rachel's determination to become a doctor and researcher, and was the chief reason for her relentless pursuit of answers that could only be found in science.

Since Quincy's passing, and loosing Dr Hunter, carrying the weight of expectation for finding the contagious cure had become an increasingly heavy burden. Feeling physically and mentally exhausted, Rachel decided to return to her cabin early, a guard dogging her footsteps, a confirmation of hers status as a prisoner aboard the James, another change she found hard to bear.

Rachel took a shower and went to bed, praying she'd get to sleep without agonizing nightmares that haunted her these days. As she drifted off to sleep, she felt a sense of peace, well-being and scent of flowers, and something else she couldn't quite identify invaded her mind. Her analytical mind noted how different these dreams were, then a voice began to speak in her mind, capturing her attention.

"Open your eyes Rachel," a familiar voice said.

Rachel opens her eyes and froze, staring at the familiar shape. She opened her mouth to speak, but all that came out was a whisper.

"Hello dear, I was not expecting you so soon. You grew up to become the woman I imagined. So beautiful, so strong, but even the most strong need help in the face of adversity. "

"Mum? This makes no sense, you can't be here, in the my lab, on the James! You're dead, you left me alone." Rachel said, feeling like the abandoned nine year old she'd been when her mother had passed away.

"Oh, Rachel, I'm sorry, but you know I've never stopped taking care of you or loving you. You have a special role here now, with people who are important to you. The crew of the Nathan James are you family now, that's why I'm here, where you feel safest, her mother replied, opening her arms to her daughter. "Come here daughter."

Taking slow, deliberate steps, Rachel approached her mother and looked her straight in the eyes. Her mother looked back at her with nothing but love, concern, and understanding in her eyes. Rachel could feel a lump in the back her throat, tears pricking her eyes..

"Do you know what I did? What have I become?" Rachel asked, uncertainty permeating her words.

"My angel, you may have done terrible things, but you did not lose your essence, it's still here," her mother says, touching Rachel's chest the height of your heart. "I'm not here to judge you dearest; you already do a good job of judging herself."

"I'm so tired Mum" Rachel said, snuggling into her mother's embrace. To Rachel, it was wonderful to feel loved again, without rejection or judgment.

"I know you have doubts, regrets, but you have so many achievements ahead of you. "her mother replied, as she stroking Rachel's hair.

"No, I am expendable now, **he** ... they do not need me." Her mother smiled, seemingly aware that the Captain's good opinion was far more important her daughter.

"You have always been stubborn, so determined, but its an asset that could easily become fault". Rachel's mother replied. "Talk to him, Rachel, your Tom is just as stubborn as you; but someone has to take the first step to fixing your relationship. I can tell how much you miss his friendship, the connection that exist between you."

"Existed ..." Rachel answered softly. "The Captain can barely to stay in the same room as me. I think he prefers the plague... You did not see the way he looked at me like I was a monster, Captain Chandler despises me!" Rachel cried the pain evident in her voice.

"Look at me baby, he does not despise you...he..."Her mother began.

"He does. "Rachel shot back forcefully

"Rachel, you killed a man, Chandler is ship's captain, he lives by the rules, as a leader he has to lead by example. Do you really expected him to act differently?"

"No... I don't know, I just ... _Sorensen_ _ **,**_ that bastard didn't deserve to live, he killed billions through his actions, I don't regret what I did." Rachel says moving away from mother's arms.

"Rachel, it is not up to you to decide who lives or dies. When you make a mistake you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences, "her mother admonished her softly.

"I know, I just did not know it would be so painful. Everything changed and now he acts like he doesn't know me and ignores me. He will never forgive me, I know that now. I'm tired, Mum, I just want to sleep..." _I wish I could sleep forever_ , _she thinks_

"Rachel Isabelle Scott, running away is not an option." Rachel's mother said, her tone urgent, as if she were able to read her daughter's thoughts. "Tom is disappointed, angry, he feels frustrated and guilty, especially in relation to his feelings for you, not to mention he has his own demons to exorcise. You have been taking care of everyone else, let them take care of you for once, there's no shame in asking for help"

The image of the mother begins to fade before Rachel's eyes.

"I'm sorry, but I have to go, baby. "Her mother continued regret.

Rachel fell to her knees, crying and begging. "No, please don't leave me, do not go away, I need you...Mum, please..."

"Rachel, you're not alone, I've never been far away from you, but now you need to open your heart to **him** , to your new family, ask for help."

"Mum…take me with you." Rachel said, extending her hands to the ethereal figure of her mother, as she began to fade. Soon there was nothing in the place where mother has stood, only emptiness and a feeling of overwhelming loss.

A cold sensation began to spread through Rachel´s body, as she fell to the floor, her body curling into the fetal position. Tears flowed freely down her face, she felt so completely alone, with no friends or family to whom she could turn or who would care about her.

Rachel felt she had two choices, fight or close her eyes and slip into the sweet oblivion of unconsciousness. "Forgive me Mum," she whispers, and plunged into darkness.


	2. Citadel

**Chapter 2**

Lieutenant Cruz had taken the late watch on Dr Scott, his predecessor had informed him she'd retired to her cabin early, a fact that troubled him. Rachel Scott was a known workaholic, often working away in her lab until well after midnight. He knew the Captain had been hard on her, though he knew much of the crew had wanted that monster Sorensen dead. Still, Cruz had never thought in a million years that it would be Dr Scott who would act as judge, jury, and executioner.

Rachel Scott had proven she was capable of killing before, but in self-defense, when she'd acted to save both Tex and the Captain. She'd earned Cruz's respect long before that mission though, risking her own life on the beach at Gitmo to save his. Yet again she'd saved his life, and that of millions of others, by developing the cure to Red Flu – it was a debt Cruz knew he could never repay.

The Captain and Dr. Scott,had a connection that was hard to explain. Still, was there for anyone with eyes and ears, the arguments between them were becoming legend among the crew.

Lost in his thoughts, Cruz almost missed the panicked cries emanating from Dr Scott's cabin. Concerned, he knocked and receiving no reply entered the cabin to find the doctor tangled in sweat soaked sheets, murmuring disjointedly. He could see something was wrong, and a hand to her forehead confirmed the good doctor was burning up with fever, something Rios confirmed with a thermometer when he'd come to her cabin. Cruz carried Dr Scott to the infirmary immediately at Rios's insistence.

"She has a high fever, I don't need to tell you a temperature of 39 degree's isn't good "Dr Rios told him "We have to lower it immediately, or she could have a seizure"

Acting quickly, Rios and his staff administered the necessary treatment, but Rachel wasn't responding, her fever difficult to control.

In the ward Room, Tex, Burk, and Slattery – along with Cruz were immersed in planning the campaign to defeat the Ramsay's. Cruz had informed Tom of Rachel's condition, and he'd been worried at the lack of news. Rios knocked and entered the room to give the Captain an update. That Rios himself had come to give the update gave voice to Tom's concerns.

"Well Sir, Dr. Scott's temperature is too high. The tests showed no signs of viruses, bacteria, fungi or parasites that would explain why she's so sick, without knowing the cause I can only treat the symptoms such as dehydration and fever, but high doses of antipyretic can attack the kidneys and liver, which is dangerous..."

Tom couldn't help but recall his last conversation with Rachel, informing her she was practically under house arrest. He'd felt backed into a corner by her actions, no matter how much a part of him agreed with her actions, he couldn't allow vigilante action aboard his ship. The last thing he'd wanted was to judge her actions, but she'd backed him into a corner, he had to do what was best for the crew, otherwise he'd loose their respect, and his position as Captain would become untenable. He'd hated punishing her, this woman he'd come to respect, admire, and maybe more. It was the last thing he'd wanted to do, but however painful, he'd had no choice but to act as he had.

Tom' fear was Rachel could be having a delayed reaction to the new version of the vaccine. The recent trials involving six of his crewmembers, and Maya's subsequent death were still fresh in the memory. She'd saved the remaining five subjects due in no small part to her phenomenal intelligence, but should anything happen to her – Chandler was well aware what a blow that would be. Rios and Milowsky were excellent doctors in their own right, but Rachel was in a class of her own.

"Is this a delayed reaction to the contagious cure she injected herself with recently?" Tom asked, unable to mask the concern in his voice

"Dr Milowsky is reading her notes, to see if we can find something that could help us, but...he..we.. think the problem may lie elsewhere" Rios told him hesitantly.

All three men in the room picked up on Rios's hesitation, but it was Slattery who voiced the concern.

"What is it you're not telling us doctor?"

Rios had his own theory about what was illness Dr Scott, but was hesitant about sharing it publically, lest it be misinterpreted. The relationship between Dr Scott and Captain Chandler was complicated, to say the least. Still, he owed it to Rachel to explore all avenues – she would do so if their roles were reversed.

"Sir...I suspect the cause of Dr Scott's fever is emotional. Talking to her security detail, she regularly works long hours, sleeping little if she sleeps at all, and barely touching the meals Bacon prepares for her." Rios outlined, "she barely speaks to anyone, only when absolutely necessary... isolation and the stresses she's been subjected to could well be the cause of her illness"

Rios stood firm, trying not to waver when Chandler gave him "the look" - the one that told his crew they were on dangerous ground.

"What you're saying is she may be depressed." Tom said, knowing in some part his actions could have caused it.

"It's a possibility, she has no family, her log time assistant died protecting the cure, she saw her mentor murdered, she was forced to work with her mortal enemy, and now she's been ostracized aboard ship" Rios stated calmly "I'm not questioning your command decisions sir. What I'm trying to say is she may be feeling as if she's lost everything of value to her, particularly now her mission has ended"

"Commodore, Rachel Scott is one of the strongest people I know, but since she arrived on this ship, her physical and emotional strength has been tested to the limit" Tex added "however strong she is, everyone has their breaking point, Rachel may well have reached hers"

"That's' true, Tom, she's always so strong, so capable, sometimes we forget Rachel isn't military, that the strain of the mission and its end, combined with her personal losses, reality just hit her like a brick wall" Mike Slattery added.

Tom clearly recalled her saying to him when he'd been reprimanding her over murdering Sorensen

"I looked into the eyes of the monster who stole everything I held dear to me" . At the time, he'd been too angry to take in what she'd been saying, that she could be talking about the pain of her own losses. Grief, as he knew all too well, is an emotional rollercoaster. He knew that having a friend close at hand, someone to talk to or simply knowing there was someone who cared was a great help. As isolated as she'd become, Rachel had had no-one – no-one to share her pain with, to seek comfort from.

Nodding quietly, Tom looked up at Rios

"What do you suggest we do to help her?" He asked

"Captain, because of what's happened, she's distanced herself from all of us. She trusts you, though sir, you may have more chance of getting through to her, and finding out what's bothering her" Rios replied.

"She is unconscious Dr. How do you expect me to talk to her?" Tom asked.

"Even an unconscious person can feel our presence, and they can hear our voices, it can make a difference," Rios said "Remind her that she isn't alone, that she has someone who cares about her. Dr Milowsky and I are trialing new drugs, we expect them to work soon"

A voice in Tom's head urged caution; he had no wish to leave his feelings for Rachel Scott so open for all to see. Showing excessive concern for her welfare, to him, would do exactly that to his mind.

"Thank you for the updates Doctor, I'll take your recommendations into consideration, but for now lets get back to work. You have a patient to care for, and we have an enemy to defeat. Dismissed" Tom replied firmly.

Chandler knew his words and tone of voice had come out far harsher than he'd intended, earning him startled looks from his 3 companions. They were far too professional to call him on it, and left without a word, even Mike. As they exited the ward room, he heard Tex ask if he'd be allowed to visit Rachel.

Left alone with his thoughts, Tom considered the puzzle that is Rachel Scott, because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't ignore the spark, the tension that sparked to life when they were together. She was beautiful, not to mention intelligent, but he'd worked with other women who fit that description, but he'd never been tempted to see then as anything other than colleagues. Tom knew in his mind though, that he was very much physically and emotionally attracted to Rachel Scott – it was an undeniable truth.

Walking into the infirmary, Tom heard Rachel before he saw her. She was raving loudly, as Rios had told him she was, about failing the trialists, that they were dying. Rachel called out that there was blood in someone's eyes, and try as he might, Tom couldn't calm her. Whatever hell Rachel was trapped in, it was a dark, miserable place.

Chandler had told himself that he should keep away, that Rachel needed a doctor, that his presence wouldn't make a blind bit of difference; yet for the life of him, Tom couldn't ignore this woman So here he was, sitting at Rachel's bedside, as Rios had requested he do in the ward room meeting.

Seeing her like this, so fragile was startling for Tom, he'd never seen her like this. Rachel's face was ghostly pale, her normally glossy hair matted, her lips chapped, and eyes screwed up as if in the grip of a nightmare. It was a stark contrast to the image he had of her in his head – passionate, argumentative, eyes sparkling in defiance, so much smaller than the larger than life woman he thought he knew.

"I don't... I lied to them...so many dead.. the crew's families...Maya...Tom's wife...that little orphan boy. I killed people! Dr Hunter...my mentor...I'm sorry I failed you..." Tom could hear Rachel's voice rising as she continued to ramble in her fever induced delirium.

Tom recognized many of the names in Rachel's litany, but was clueless about the orphan boy who tortured Rachel's feverish dreams. Regardless as to who these people were, it was increasingly clear to him she was carrying a very heavy burden. Tom was no psychologist, but hanging onto that much pain was clearly not good for anyone, much less a caring soul like Rachel.

I will lose Rachel too, Tom thought, standing helplessly by her bedside. _God! What am I thinking?! I have no right to think like this, Darien's only been dead a few months!_ _You are so angry with Rachel because you care about her. Not just as the doctor, the scientist who saved his crew, his own family, and probably the entire world, what's left of it. You care about the woman, about Rachel His inner voice reminded him, stubbornly refusing to be quiet._

The two doctors were arguing over the best way to care for Rachel.

"Although cold water really help to decrease the temperature, it ends up increasing the heart rate, which has been accelerated because of the fever, that would put her life at risk," argued Dr. Rios.

"We could try a lukewarm bath," said Dr. Milowsky; "lukewarm water can relax your muscles and help lower the temperature."

This feeling of helplessness was not something Tom was used to feeling quite so frequently. Yet since this mission had started, it had become a constant, not to mention unwelcome companion.

Patience has never been one of your more sterling qualities his inner monologue piped up again; it makes you throw caution and good judgement to the winds!

Deciding to take the situation in hand quite literally, Tom scooped Rachel up from the bed. Ignoring the sputtered protests of the two doctors, he marched toward the showers. Cradled lifelessly in his arms, barefoot and dressed in a hospital gown, she looked like a doll. For a moment, he wondered if he'd made a monumental mistake – but Rachel clearly needed help – now!

Rachel was stuck in an endless nightmare, tortured incessantly by the faces of those she hadn't been able to save, and those she'd killed. Blood leaking from the eyes of the plague victims, blood on her hands...So much blood! Rachel's mind screamed.

Suddenly, a voice pierced her nightmare, a command mixed with heartfelt supplication, whispered plaintively in her ear. It was a voice she knew well, Tom's.

"Please Rachel, fight this, come back to me," he said

Slowly she became aware of his scent, the warmth of his hands, and his arms wrapped around her, stroking her back gently. Tom felt her stir in his arms, coming back to consciousness as her hands clutched the front of his uniform.

"Tom? Is... is this a dream?" he heard her ask in a gentle whisper

"You're not dreaming Rachel.. I'm right here," Tom told her, caressing her face with his hand, his gaze fixed on hers.

"You came...why?" Rachel asked him, before drifting back into unconsciousness again

Looking down into the place face of the unconscious woman in his arms, Tom made his confession.

"Because I care about you Rachel, more than I should...I'll take you back to the doctors now"

Standing slowly, holding her gently, Tom turned and walked back toward sickbay, almost tripping over Rios and Milowsky, who were anxiously waiting at the door.

"She regained consciousness for a few minutes and the fever seems to have subsided a little..." Tom said

"That's good sir, but it's best if we take her back to sickbay now" Rios said quietly "Dr Scott needs fluids, and dry clothes, we'll take good care of her."

Reluctantly, Tom released his precious burden to the two doctors, and returned to his cabin to strip off his own wet clothing, donning a dry uniform. "

Some hours later

Rachel awoke slowly, looking around her with confusion and feeling somewhat disorientated. She realized she was currently in sickbay, an IV in her arm, but with little recollection of how she'd got there.

Stood at the foot of her bed, Rachel could see two people talking, and realized it was Dr Rios, along with the Captain. Dismayed, she asks herself what he is doing here, in the same room as her.

Over the last few days, Tom Chandler had treated her like a pariah aboard his ship. He'd made it quite clear, to her at mind at least, that her presence was intolerable to him. Recalling all too clearly the contempt in his eyes at their last meeting, an involuntary moan of pain escaped her lips.

Hearing the sound Tom turned his head and met Rachel's distressed gaze for a split second, before she looked away.

"Doctor, she's awake" Tom told Rios, who walked over to the bed, smiling.

The doctor approached the bed with a smile on lips. " Dr. Scott, am I glad to see you awake," He took hold of her hand and felt her pulse. How do you feel?"

"I feel tired, confused. What happened, Dr. Rios?" She asks trying to ignore the Captain a few steps from her bed. Usually when he was around, he brought a sense of comfort, safety, now his presence only caused pain.

"What's the last thing you remember?" Dr. Rios asked.

 _I remember dreaming about my mother, in the rain in the Captain's arms_. She thought.

Aloud she said. "I finished some analysis in my laboratory; I took a shower and then went to bed."

"You have a fever... and all our tests showed no signs of virus or an infection that could explain these symptoms." Dr. Rios said.

"As I said, I feel tired, but I'm fine, it's nothing. I can do some tests on my blood; it might give me some answers." She says and tries to get out of bed.

"I prefer that you stay a few more hours in the infirmary. Your heart rate and blood pressure have returned to normal, but you still have a low-grade fever. The fact that a fever is present means that there is an infection of some type present in your body." Dr. Rios said.

"No, I must go back to my cabin _._ _No access to the wardroom, mess decks, CIC bridge... Any communal place on this ship_. The infirmary is a common place on this ship." She says then she pulls the IV cannula rom her arm and got out of bed before either man could stop her, but halted her escape as a wave of dizziness assailed her.

With a sinking heart, Tom recognized her words, the same words he'd all but flung at her during the last conversation they'd had.

"Dr. Scott." Dr. Rios said.

"Goddamn it, Rachel! Stop being so stubborn." Tom said and took her by the arms to prevent her falling. She tried to step away, but she was too weak to fight. Carefully, he put her back in bed. Her eyes were open, but she refused to look at him.

"Dr. Rios," Tom said. "Give us a minute, please? I need to talk to Dr. Scott alone."

"We have _nothing_ to talk about, Captain," she said.

The two men exchanged looks; Tom's seemed to say, "You asked me to talk to her." The nonverbal exchange was not lost on Rachel.

"Dr. Scott I'm out there if you need something," Dr. Rios said.

After the door closed, Tom glanced around before pulling up a chair so that he could sit at her bedside and face her.

Tom looked at the fragile woman lying in bed and one word came to his mind – citadel. A citadel was the last line of defense of a beleaguered army, a building prepared for war, generally considered the last unit of defense against the enemy. Rachel saw him as the enemy, an enemy who would not be allowed to enter her space.

To be allowed to enter he would have to show that she could trust him as a friend, someone who was here to help. It would be very difficult, due to his actions in the last days.

He did not know what to say beyond her name, which he said with a mixture of affection and concern. "Rachel."

She could feel his eyes on her, and she could tell from the determination in them that he would not give up easily. Hardening her heart and strengthening her defenses, she couldn't prevent him seeing the pain in her own expression, just from the way he said her name.

"Are you in pain?" Tom asked worried.

"Just now, when you looked at me, it was like how you looked at me before, when we were friends, allies, before I became a monster who broke your trust."

He glimpsed a crack in the walls of the fortress she had built around her emotions, but it closed just as quickly as it had opened.

Then, to cover up the embarrassment she felt at having confessed such a thing to him, she tried to brush it aside with nonchalance. "Forget what I said, Captain. Just pretend I've got the plague and keep your distance."

"Rachel, I never ceased to be your friend, but you put me in an impossible situation, and now, you're sick. Is it possible that your illness is due to the vaccine?" Tom asked

Insulted and angered at his apparent distrust of her skills as a scientist, Rachel replied, "The vaccine is safe. I'd never do anything to put your crew at risk. If I infected myself with the virus, then not only would I be the first to die, but I'd also condemn every single person on this ship; people, I might add, that I worked very hard to save."

"You might have made a mistake that put your life at risk. Correct me if I'm wrong, but scientists don't normally test experimental vaccines on themselves. I'm worried about you, Rachel, please, answer my question."

"I've already answered your question, Captain. Your crew is safe from me, and the rest doesn't matter. We're no longer allies that has become abundantly clear."

"Rachel, that isn't true! There aren't any sides here. All I see when I look at you is a friend in need. Your life is important, and we need answers! You have a fever that the doctors cannot explain; there's nothing in your medical history to indicate why you're sick. Please, just talk to me!"

His blue eyes reflected genuine concern for her well-being, and Rachel could feel another crack developing in the barrier she'd carefully built around her heart.

Closed her eyes momentarily and took a deep breath. She was so tired, tired of fighting with her demons, tired of fighting with Tom. Then the answer came to her suddenly, a bolt out of the blue. They all thought she was suffering from depression, and Tom thought he could play on their friendship to get through to her. It was a pathetic attempt on the part of the others, but she couldn't deny it was working.

She gave a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes and confronted him with her suspicions. He at least had the good grace not to deny it.

"Yes, they, I, am worried about you. We fight and we disagree, but, Rachel, I'm not your enemy. All you have to do is let me inside. Let me in!" He was practically begging her.

Huffing in frustration, Rachel decided she'd give Tom what he seemed to want so badly. "All right, Captain, if you want to know the inner workings of my emotions, I'll be only too happy to share my feelings with you. Hate is too mild a word to describe what I felt for Niels. He reminded me of my father, Reverend Stephen Scott, a man so devoted to his misguided beliefs and his righteous God that he didn't hesitate to condemn his wife, my mother, to a slow and agonizing death. I was nine years old when I was forced to watch my mother die, knowing the whole time that she could have been saved with a simple injection. I vowed then and there that I would devote my life to science, to save as many people as I could."

To say Tom was shocked would be an understatement. He'd had no idea what had happened to Rachel as a child. Losing her mother at such a tender age, knowing the whole time that it was her father who had practically murdered her mother. No child should have to carry that burden, and he suddenly understood Rachel's natural reticence when it came to others. She'd learned at an early age that trusting people led to intolerable pain and suffering, and she'd been betrayed by the very man who should have protected her with his last breath.

"Rachel, we can talk about Niels later. I need..." He tried, but Rachel cut him off.

"Don't you see, Captain? It doesn't matter because I failed. I truly am my father's daughter." She looked down at her hands, expecting them to be stained red. "I have so much blood on my hands, the blood of those that I condemned to death. Niels deserved to die, but the others, they were an innocent." Shaking her head, she seemed to deflate and sank back against the pillows. "My mother told me to ask for help, but she was probably just a figment of my imagination. I just want to stop the pain. I want to sleep again. I'm so tired."

Her confession confirmed to him what he'd suspected, that she was having nightmares. "Rachel, listen to me," he said gently but once more, she cut him off.

"I'm sorry, Captain," she emphasized his rank. "Forgive me the problems I've caused for you and your crew, but my work is done. Both versions of the vaccine work; I've done what was required of me so, you see, I can still use my powers for good." She laughed, then, but it was bitter. Her eyes closed once more, sudden exhaustion overtaking her.

"Rachel, this is ridiculous! We are friends, and you're not alone. I'm here with you, I'm right here."

She opened her eyes and met his gaze head on. The coldness in her eyes gutted him. The spirit, the fight that had always blazed forth from her, was gone, and that terrified Tom.

"Friends?" She scoffed. "Make no mistake, Captain, you can't be friends with someone like me. It goes against your bloody code of honor. I'm only a responsibility to you, a prisoner awaiting your trial. If you really want to help me, then please, just go away." Her voice broke at the end as though she were on the verge of tears.

"Rachel," he said fervently. "You are not just a responsibility to me." He reached out his hand to touch her, but the hostility radiating from her caused him to withdraw his touch.

She refused to look at him, staring instead at a spot on the wall. A lone tear slid down her cheek, and she whispered, "Please, go away, please."

She was so broken, so fragile, that even though all he wanted was to take her in his arms and hold her until she was better, Tom knew that she would not welcome his advances. He had the feeling that if he were to push her further, she would go over the edge.

"I'll be back later," he said. "Try to rest." With a heavy heart, he did what she asked and walked away.

After he left, Rachel took a deep breath to prevent more tears. "Goodbye, Tom," she whispered. "I don't need your pity; your contempt is easier to deal with." Then exhaustion took its toll and she fell into a fitful sleep.

Hours later, Dr. Rios convened with the Captain, the Master Chief, Mike and Tex about Rachel's health. He got straight to the point. "Even though her fever has been lower for the last 36 hours, Dr. Scott has fallen into a coma. I believe it may be due to the stress her body has undergone over the last several hours."

God, would they ever catch a break, Tom thought. It was one crisis after another. Aloud, he spoke to Dr. Rios. "You don't really believe that, do you?"

'No, Captain, at least, I believe there is more to Dr. Scott's condition. We learned while she was delirious that she carries an extreme amount of guilt, and I believe she has been suffering under the weight of that guilt for quite some time. When feelings are bottled up like that, sooner or later, they will manifest, often in forms that mimic physical illness. For example, she spoke about not having warned us about our true mission in the Artic and she talked about Maya. Then she spoke about a boy that she seemed to believe she'd orphaned. We couldn't ascertain any further details, but it was obvious that she feels terrible about it."

"It was something that happened in Baltimore," Tex offered. "They allowed her to go out one day amongst the people and she was able to administer the vaccine to some people. Her last two patients were a mother and her little boy, and Rachel only had one vaccine left."

"Mike said aloud what the others all knew to be true. "By giving the vaccine to the child, Rachel knew she was condemning the mother to die. What the hell!" He exclaimed angrily. "It just gets worse and worse!"

Tex, unable to stay quiet, spoke up again. "She blames herself for that Russian's death, too. I tried talking to her, but all she'd say was that she'd been in war zones before and had seen death firsthand. I should have made her talk to me!"

"Rachel isn't a soldier," said Mike. "I still remember the first time I had to kill someone, after I joined the force in Chicago. It doesn't get easier, we all know that, and we've been trained."

"Jeter, who had been silent, finally spoke up. "Dr. Scott justifies killing Sorenson because he had killed millions of innocent people. He took the thing she holds most sacred – science – and turned it into a weapon that killed indiscriminately. He killed her mentor, too, and he'd have continued killing just by breathing in oxygen. But in her subconscious, she's afraid that she's transformed into a monster, just like Sorenson."

"She created the vaccine to save lives," Tex insisted.

"She confessed that she did not need to kill him, she wanted revenge, to make him suffer," argued the Captain, showing that this was still a point that bothered him.

"She did the world a favor. She did what we all would like to do, that bastard deserved to die…"

"Tex!" Tom said.

"What? You know I'm right. No court in the world would condemn her for it. "Tex said.

"There is no worse judgement than the one we inflict on ourselves," Dr. Rios interjected. "She's having trouble dealing with the choices she made, and it's affecting her health. Neither Dr. Milowsky nor I can find any physical reasons for her disease, leading us to believe that the cause is an emotional one."

"She's lost in the Dark Side of the Moon," Tex muttered solemnly.

"What are you talking about, Tex?" Tom asked.

"It's something she told me when you were lost in Nicaragua," Tex smiled sadly at the memory. "She cited Mark Twain. 'Everyone is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.'"

Mike reminded them of the courage Rachel displayed when she helped save the Captain and Tex from the Russians. He admitted that he had been very angry with her at first, for keeping them all in the dark, but she had begun to earn his respect when she volunteered to help Cruz at Guantanamo.

Dr. Rios spoke of all the times she'd helped the crew. She'd trusted him with her research on the vaccine, and he hoped to have the opportunity to return the favor.

Tex talked about the first time he saw her. He'd thought her beautiful, of course, but underneath the tough exterior she exuded, there was a sweetness to her, a gentleness that called to him.

Jeter brought up the vaccine trials, how she'd wept over Maya's death and had rejoiced over Kara's recovery. Dr. Scott was a very intense woman, and that intensity shown through in every move she made.

Tom thought of how she'd saved his family. They'd been too late for Darien, but because of Rachel Scott, his children and his father were alive and well. He thought of how she'd stepped in, caring for the crew during the water shortage; how she'd taken care of Green when he'd come down from Dengue Fever; the kiss they'd shared onboard the Russian sub, even though it had been a ruse. His fondest memory was of their first argument, when she'd passionately complained that he had no right to disrupt her work. He chuckled a bit as he remembered how Mike had fled in the opposite direction when he'd happened upon their argument.

His smile caught the attention of the others. "What?" they asked in unison.

"I was remembering the first argument Rachel and I had and how when Mike found us fighting, he turned tail and ran," Tom finished with a teasing smile.

"I had a job to do on the bridge," said Mike, smiling.

'Fess up, Commander," said Tex. "Rachel can be downright scary when she wants to." Everyone laughed, relieving the tension of the moment.

"So what we do?" Mike asked

"The human brain is a very complex organ, and medical science has only begin to touch the surface of what our brains are capable of. Some research suggests that coma patients can hear and recognize what is happening around them. I think it would be best if we simply talk to her." Dr. Rios suggested. "It's certainly worth a try."

"We must remind Dr. Scott of the good she has done for us and for the world. We need to help her see that she is a good person who just made mistakes. We need to make her understand that she isn't alone," said the Master Chief.

"Let's do it the same way we have done everything so far, as a team. Dr. Scott saved our lives; now it's time to return the favor," Tom said, picking up the transmitter for the loudspeaker.

"This is the Captain speaking," he began. "Dr. Scott has fallen into a coma, but Dr. Rios believes that we can help her recover. For anyone willing to help, see Dr. Rios, and he will tell you what is needed and assign a visitation schedule. Dr. Scott is one of us, and she is lost right now. We don't leave anyone behind."

"I'll take the first watch," Tex volunteered as soon as Tom finished speaking. "But first, every military mission needs a good name, and I've got the perfect title for this one."

With Tex's particular sense of humor, Tom had no doubt that whatever name the former Gitmo guard had chosen would likely set Rachel's teeth on edge and her eyes rolling. When Tex revealed the name, all the others laughed heartily. Man, tom thought, she's sure gonna hate this! But if they were able to get through to her, Tom would gladly incur Rachel's wrath – in his heart, he'd do just about anything to wake up Rachel.


	3. Elisabeth Scott

Chapter 3

When Tom informed the crew of Rios's idea, to talk to Rachel, bring her back to consciousness, make her feel loved, they accepted the mission with enthusiasm. He'd never felt more proud of his crew, their gusto for "Operation Sleeping Beauty", the name Tex (who else?) had given the initiative, delighted him.

He smiled as he remembered that Sleeping Beauty had been one of Ashley's favorite stories as a child. He'd spent many hours reading the story of the princess who was awoken from her magical slumber by true love's kiss to her. Reality was very different to fantasy; there was no magic or true love's kisses here, just the resources of modern medicine and compassion. Though from the way he'd behaved towards her over the last few days, Rachel would probably consider him more Frog than Prince, Tom thought ruefully.

The crew took turns keeping her company, ensuring Rachel was never left alone. Yet she didn't stir, causing concern amongst the crew and command staff alike.

"We just need to keep talking to Dr Scott, encourage her to find her way back to us" Rios said to the Captain, as he took his turn talking to Rachel "We just need to be patient and keep trying."

The battle for Rachel was just one – somewhere out there was a sub, manned by an enemy bent on their destruction. It was yet another war to fight, against an enemy that was proving to be a more difficult task than Tom and the rest of the command staff had anticipated.

Sighing heavily, Tom squeezed Rachel's hand tenderly and returned to his cabin to rest. Lying down on his bed, he closed his eyes for a moment.

"Good evening Thomas," A voice said, breaking the silence of the room.

I must've been more tired than I realized. Tom thought to himself, realizing he'd fallen asleep. Slowly he realized there was a woman in his cabin, moreover, one he didn't recognize. Thomas, my mom used to call me that, he recalled tiredly.

"You know who I am Thomas, though you're right, we've never met, in life anyway" The woman replied "We have someone in common, who means a great deal to both of us, and she needs our help, desperately so!"

Tom looked at his unexpected guest; certain he'd never seen her before today. Yet her face, her eyes looked eerily familiar to him.

"Ma'am, I have no idea what you're talking about, and you have the advantage here, because you clearly know my name, but I don't know yours." Tom told the woman.

"My name is Elizabeth Ann Scott" the woman replied, and belatedly Tom realized she spoke with a British accent. "Rachel is my daughter"

"Wait, you're Rachel's mother?!" staring at the woman incredulously, before shaking his head "That's impossible, Rachel told me you're dead, yet how can I see you now?"

"It's ok Thomas, you're still dreaming, but my daughter needs me, needs us both, why let a small detail like death get in the way?" Elizabeth stated. "We need to talk you and I."

"Why doesn't that surprise me? We are trying to help Rachel Mrs. Scott, but she appears to be ignoring us all!" Tom stated "I've tried talking to her, I've made it clear to her I'm her friend, but she's clammed up, refusing to let anyone in, let alone me! I don't know how to convince her to let me in..."

"As a military man, you should know better than I that there's no such thing as an insurmountable obstacle, you just haven't employed the right strategy." Elizabeth Scott replied, "Only you can give her the comfort she so desperately needs! She wants your friendship back; Rachel misses you, she care about you just as you care for her."

"She killed a man in cold blood, Mrs. Scott, it's not something I can easily ignore, or forget so easily" Tom replied

"Yet she has killed two men before...for you" Elizabeth shot back.

A memory popped into Tom's mind, having uttered similar words to Rachel. "I killed for you...lost men for you"

"She didn't need to kill him, she planned every stage, lied to me!" Tom's anger burst forth, he'd buried it so far but now it came surging out. "Rachel could've come to me at any time, yet she chose to betray my trust, putting me in an untenable position! She gave no thought to the impact her actions would have on me!"

"My daughter grew up believing that she had to be strong constantly, that tears, asking for help was considered a sign of weakness, but in front of you she cried, exposed her feelings to you, " Elizabeth's voice rose with every syllable, each word more incisive than the last. "As for her actions, she asked you to kill those who murdered her mentor Dr Hunter, my peace loving daughter asked you to kill someone, showing a clear thirst for revenge! The signs were there, you chose to ignore them!"

"It's not my fault, Rachel made this decision alone" Tom shot back, but uncertainty coloured his tone

"Alone? Elizabeth asked, annoyance colouring her tone "You're lying to yourself, refusing to admit the truth! You blackmailed my daughter to get what you wanted - a cure quickly! You gave her the chance to quench her desire for revenge, Rachel may have chosen the method, but you handed her the victim on a platter"

Tom couldn't hold Elizabeth's gaze, the guilt he felt shone in his eyes. He recalled clearly the look on Rachel's face as he told her Sorensen had killed his beloved Darien. In that moment, he could recall clearly the pain, the utter desperation in her face as she agreed to his demands. Tom had known what his request would cost Rachel, knew it was wrong to place such a burden on her tiny shoulders, but told himself the end justified the means. That saving more lives, quickly was more important, so he kept pressuring her, taking her strength for granted, ignoring the clear signs that Rachel wasn't at all ready to deal with Niels Sorensen.

"Thomas" Elizabeth started, but Tom cut her off.

"Oh god, what did I do? I never wanted to hurt her, yet that's exactly what I did. I pushed her to work with him, took her strength for granted! Then I compounded it by pushing her away, because it was safer than admitting I care about her, far more than I should"

"You see? Admitting it isn't that hard" Elizabeth smiled fondly. "You both have created unrealistic expectations for one another, making the disappointment worse when faced with the reality of the situation! I'm not asking you to forget what happened, just let her see you care"

Suddenly Tom realized Elizabeth wasn't trying to justify her daughter's actions. She wasn't trying to put the blame onto him, but rather trying to make him see the role he himself had played in Rachel's actions. By doing so, Elizabeth was trying to make him face his own demons, even as he helped Rachel face hers.

"I can't break the rules for Rachel, she has been accused of committing a crime" Tom realized even as he said the words, he hadn't denied his feeling s for Rachel.

"Stubborn, just like my daughter! You don't have to break the laws for her, just admit what your feel for her, tell her!" Elizabeth implored him. "Only then can you begin to heal, together"

"I...I can't deny I have strong feelings for Rachel, but I'm not ready for this. I from the day I met her, she's turned my life upside down, she's so strong, so stubborn, but God help me...I don't want to lose her." he whispered softly

"Love may be hard, but its worth it, so find the strength to say the words" Elizabeth told him firmly "Be the man Rachel needs you to be, Thomas! My daughter is strong, she's fallen and risen so many times because she had something to fight for" Now? Now she's lost like a rudderless ship in a storm. find her Thomas, bring her home!"

Tom was about to reassure Elizabeth he'd do just that when he awoke to the sound of someone knocking on his cabin door.

"Captain?"


	4. I love you

Chapter not reviewed

* * *

Chapter 4

Rachel woke up in her cabin, she felt suffocated, trapped, an agony that could not explain. Decided to leave, the escort was not expecting, as usual. She did not think the captain had changed his mind, which made her worried. Something was wrong.

While walking through the empty halls, concern increased. There is always crew members walking in the ship, even at night. Now there was no one. It was to laboratory, the cafeteria, the bridge, the Captain's cabin. Everything was empty. Maybe they were outside. Opened the door to access the deck. She felt the rain, it was dark, the sea was rough, lightning and thunder cut the sky. Without understanding what was happening she closed the door and went back inside.

She have vague memories of being sick; talking to her mother, in the rain in the arms of Tom ... She was not sure. She did not feel hungry, sleep, fatigue or pain only a sense of isolation.

Since then she walked by ship aimlessly. In the months she was on the Nathan James, she know if it was day or night by routine of crew. Here time meant nothing.

Then she began to wonder where was. Maybe it was her personal hell, maybe she is dead, and this is her punishment be alone in the place where she had the chance to have a family and screw-up everything.

Gradually she began to understand some things. She was in a place that represented security, Nathan James. With no one around, represented the isolation, the loneliness that she been feeling lately.

Now she is in conflict with herself, the weather outside it represents the pain, the feeling of failure, the tears unshed, anger, desire for revenge, and the darkness inside her that threat to swallow and destroy everything.

She had different feelings in every part of the ship. In the **refectory** the blame for all the lies, the fear of not being forgiven by crew and the inability forgive herself. In the **laboratory** , redemption. Would come when she completed the mission. She found the cure, now needed to figure out how to spread the vaccine, a tribute those who were lost, a celebration the lives of all others.

In the **Captain's cabin** , the connection with another human being. Tom was an intense man, passionate, competent, concerned about the welfare of others; physical attraction was immediate like a moth drawn to the flame, speaking of cliché. She felt a spark, a tension whenever he was around. However, the connection went beyond the attraction. Trust, Acceptance, friendship, mutual admiration.

Since her father's betrayal and the subsequent death of the mother she decided, that the science would be her safe harbor, save lives, her mission. Sometimes she put yourself at risk, as in Mogadiscio. She puts her life at risk. Never her heart.

She worried about her patients; she felt empathy, even affection. However, few had managed to penetrate the walls that she built around itself; one of the few exceptions was Dr. Hunter, his death threw her into the abyss and the desire for revenge has become hard to resist.

In Nathan James, everything changed. A tornado that goes by the name of Tom Chandler, managed to demolish the walls so carefully constructed. For the first time allowed himself to love, a feeling intoxicating and scary at the same time, because to love is to be vulnerable. Tom's departure after the death of Sorensen was painful. She retreated into her shell, desperately trying rebuild the walls. Now she realize do not give to glue the parts. It was time to stop running and start fighting.

She realizes she doesn't want to die, she wants to have a chance to fix her mistakes.

Began to hear whispers, laughter, voices, about... training ... beach ... first day of school ... how to play chess ... falling from a tree ... as almost burned the house trying to cook ... a joke about two sailors and a bar ... how hard it was to fix the engine of a ship. The voices were different. Outside, the weather began to change.

Rachel decided to go on deck, opened the door. In place of the storm, now she could see a starry sky, a large full bright moon almost touching the water. Feeling at peace for the first time in days, she decided to lie down on the deck.

When their journey took them far from land, the early sailors, they relied on the sky. At night, the stars that showed them the way home guided them, back to their loved ones, back to their families. The voices of Nathan James's crew were her connection to reality. Now she can hear entire conversations and identify whom speaks, her foster family was showing her the way back home.

"We do not know the baby's sex yet. We think of the name Isabelle Foster Green, sounds good does not it? I know Isabelle is your middle name. If boy, we will call him Daniel as the father."

"Dr. Scott, you looks much better. At least the fever broke, your vital signs are stable, now you just need to wake up." said Dr. Rios when exchanged her IV.

"Hi again Dr. Rachel, you look better today. Would if I give you a kiss you wake up? Probably not. Are you expecting another prince, or should I say, Captain. Well, is getting boring here without you, how about a song?" Tex began singing loudly. Crew members laughed and commented that she would wake up just to make him shut up, his voice was horrible. His singing sounds more like a dying cat.

"Sometimes my brother and I help our parents in the hotel. However, what I liked most was to stay on the beach, the feeling of feet in the soft sand, the sea breeze, the sunset. I miss them."

"When Ashley was about nine months, my wife left me alone to look after our daughter. I'm a highly trained soldier, take care of a baby would be no problem at least that's what I told my wife. Darien smiled, for she saw through my bravado. But the truth is that I was terrified, my baby looked so fragile, smiling at me with so much confidence. And if something goes wrong? Ashley was sleeping on my lap, when Darien returned. I was exhausted but happy." Tom realized that talking about Darien was getting easier and less painful every day.

"I was working a year and a half in Chicago police. Proud, now I was a cop. My partner and I were called to solve a domestic dispute, which did not we knew is that the man was a dangerous drug dealer. The situation has become volatile and he shot my partner; I reacted and shot him, he started to cough and choke in his own blood, this image inhabited my nightmares for weeks. You will not forget, but you learn to live and forgive himself. My partner survived, the bullet hit the vest. My quick action saved our lives. Think of those that you saved and those who can still save, Dr."

"Dr. Scott, you are not, and never will Niels Sorensen. Your ability to care for others, to take risks for others, demonstrates your ability to love. You might be lost now, but we are here to help."

Miller sat next to Dr. Scott. "We are concerned, because it's been almost two weeks that you are sleeping. We need you Dr. no matter what you did, we will be on your side if you is judged, because that's what families do, they offer help when there is a problem. I miss home, I have hoping to find my mother. But Nathan James is my home now and the crew of the ship is my family and you Dr. Scott is part of this family..."

Miller was next to Rachel, when Tom arrived at the infirmary. Had been four days since Tom had that strange dream, he thought a lot and reached the conclusion that it was impossible to deny the obvious, he loved Rachel Scott. A relationship with her would be complicated, there were many obstacles, his guilt for the death of Darien, the fact that she had killed a man, the rules of non-fraternization, how to explain to his children that he was in love with another woman... He was never a man to run away from challenges and was not going to start now.

Miller was so focused on the woman in a coma that did not notice the presence of Captain.

"Captain!" Miller says surprised, rising to his feet rapidly, nearly knocking his chair over in the process

"Miller. How is our patient today?" Tom asks approaching the bed.

"Captain, looks better than before, I think." Miller said.

"You're right it looks much better." _Before, Rachel's face looked tense even in sleep, in agony. Now seems peaceful, relaxed_. He thinks. "I appreciate all of you for take care her."

" She is one of us, and we protect and take care of family members. I am willing to testify in favor of it at trial, she saved my life, saved the lives of all of us. If anyone deserves a second chance, it's her. Sir.."

"You're a good man Miller, she's lucky to have a friend like you and I have the honor of a soldier as you are under my command..." Tom said.

Miller blushed and mumbled 'thanks' and stammered 'I think I should go, sir.' and then he walked out, almost tripping over his own feet.

Tom sat in chair and gently took hold of her hands. "Well, it seems you have a very passionate defender, I would not be surprised if there were others on the ship. Your mother paid me a visit. We had an interesting conversation. Now, I know from who you inherited the tenacity; she is a formidable adversary, like you. On the other hand, may just be my conscience, I do not know."

"The truth is that I realized my share of the blame in the death of Sorensen. I blackmail you. Unconsciously or not, I used the guilt you feel for the death of Darien, to lead you to do what I wanted. When I discovered out what you had done, kill Sorensen and put your life at risk, I stayed furious. I clung my rules, as a castaway with a plank of salvation. Now I understand that you gave me the perfect excuse to walk away from you, not to have to view the fact that **I love you**."

Rachel could feel a gentle breeze, she felt comfortable and safe. She could hear Tom's voice again, apologizing. Closed her eyes and felt the warmth of the hands that held the hers, the mattress under her body, could hear a heart monitor. She is home. She found the way back.

 **I love you** ; wait ... Tom is saying that loves me. Rachel thinks

Tom felt a slight tightness at the hands he was holding.

"Rachel, can you hear me?" Tom asks and get up from the chair anxious. " _If you can hear me,_ _please squeeze my hand_ _."_

Instinctively Rachel squeezed his hand. It seemed like it took all her willpower, but she managed open her eyes, only to close soon after due to discomfort caused by the lights.

"Don't close your eyes; open your eyes for me, Rachel." Tom said

Opening her eyes, Rachel found Tom's face one centimeter yours. Without realizing it, she held her breath.

"Hey, good to see you with your eyes open, sleeping Beauty. How do you feel?" Tom said.

"Sleeping Beauty? I think I'm still sleeping, because I heard you say you love me." She muttered in wonder, as if she could hardly believe it. And tries to sit on the bed.

Then he gently helped her to sit up, his strong hand lightly stroking her back. The intimacy of the gesture not lost on her. "Yes, I love you, Rachel Isabelle Scott. Rachel listen me, you need to have patience with me, I need time to grieve me correctly, to say goodbye to my past, to reconcile my wishes with my regrets. Things will not to be easy. Do you think you can wait for me?" He asked eagerly; not wanting to waste anymore time.

His words warm your heart, your greatest desire was to say **yes** , but she had to think about what was best for him. Tom had high standards and moral principles, a man committed with a mission to rebuild a country that was falling apart and her presence beside him could hinder this mission.

"I must get away from you because a relationship with me can bring problems for you. We need to talk about what I did; I need to explain my reasons. I know there will be consequences, and I am prepared to deal with them. But I cannot drag you to it would not be fair. We can be friends; your friendship would be enough for me."

"Just answer me one thing, do you love me? He asked

"Yes, I love you, so I have to do what's best for you..."

"What I feel for you can no longer be ignored, Rachel. Don't want to be just your friend. I want to be your lover." He says, his expression made her heart race. The monitor registered an increase in her cardiac frequency and starts beeping like crazy.

"Tom. I... I can't... It wouldn't be fair to you." She said unsteadily, "Please—don't look at me like that."

To her surprise, he sits on the bed and pulls her into his arms and hugs her tightly. She buried her face against his chest, hugging him back and she could hear his heart that was as fast as hers. In his arms she feels in a cocoon of security and affection, as if he was saying without words I love you, you're safe with me.

"I think don't you realize the effect you have over me. Say Yes. Please say you'll wait for me," he whispers in her ear.

The way he whispered in her ear with a mixture of command and entreaty, made her brain to forget all the arguments to get away from him. She felt so right in his arms. There was only one answer she could possibly give.

She lifts her head from his chest and looks at him. "Yes, I can wait as long as it takes."

Seconds later doctors came rushing inside of the room probably attracted by the noise of the cardiac monitor. And they were surprised to find the Captain and locked in an embrace.

"Tom, we're not alone, you need to let me go." She whispers in his ear.

"Do you want me to do that?" He asked

"No, but you need..." She said.

After a moment, he pulled back a bit, but still with her in his arms, and they looked at the doctors and several crew members who huddled in the hallway watched the scene...

"I think doctors want to examine you. Do you still have doubts about my feelings or have I made myself clear? Because I can repeat if you want ..." He said.

"No,you were very convincing, Captain "...she said, knotted her hands in her lap, aware that she was blushing furiously now.

She looked around gratefully at everyone within sight, grateful for the help from her friends, her new family. "Thanks to all of you. I heard when you guys were talking to me, it helped me find the way back." Rachel said

"I think I speak for everyone, good to have you back Dr. Rachel. Welcome home!" Tex said, "I could even sing to celebrate."

Everyone in the room shouted. "No"

The path will not be easy for them. Tom has his convictions, is an important part of him, she do not want it to change. They need to rebuild some bridges, but they have the stars to help them light the way.

The End


End file.
